Starting over today. I realized from my mini-conniption last night that I’ve been carrying around wayyy too much baggage. I’m starting to see the downsides of keeping ex’s as friends. So if any of them wants to be in my life- they can come chase me. I’m done doing all the work, and having things blow up in my face, ala yesterday.
It’s my life. I deserve better. And I’m done settling until I get it. :)
And as expected I am still awake.
I wish I could start today over and have earlier never have happened. I’m slowly back-pedaling and it’s not good. I look at a picture and it hurts. It took me so long to get over everything the first time, I don’t want to have to do it again.
I had the upper-hand for so long, and it was fantastic. But everything went down the pooper today. And yet again, I feel like the not-as good option. Bad timing. Wrong girl. Etc.
I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and have it be today again.
Because if I could do it differently- I absolutely would.
I keep telling myself this.
I hate feeling like almost every time I post in this blog, it’s about something negative. But morally, I did something kind of wrong today. I love my friends, they’re the best and they’re being really supportive. But it kind of feels like I’m pedaling backwards. And I don’t like that.
It sucks having somebody you just fit with so well, but can’t be with. I mean in the way that you’re with them and it’s just right. You fit together like a puzzle. You understand each other. And it’s just good. I mean, I’m not torn up or devastated, but it is pretty disappointing. I wonder if there’s a point to why all this funky stuff in my life is happening now, or if it’s just a random string of events caused by me. I wonder if we’ll ever get another shot, or I’ll just have to live with it.
I’m exhausted, but I know if I try to sleep now, I won’t be able to.
In good news, everything else is going pretty dang well. I’m slowly ( very slowly) figuring myself out, keeping ridiculously busy ( as always), and I think slowly becoming happy on my own. I need to get past whatever this is though, because I can feel it holding me back.
I’m slowly finding that my way of coping is to make a lesson out of everything hard I have to deal with. I’d like to think it’s a good thing, but I can’t find motivation or a lesson out of this yet, other then “Haha, you lose”. But it’s also night one. SO I guess we’ll see.
I need to do this more. I’ve already taken a step in the right direction, but not quite there yet. One day at a time.
Maybe it’s because it’s a little after 1 AM, but this is hilarious. I can’t wait for Community to come back.
Mini-update: Life is slightly confusing. But slowly making progress. I think….